Stuck for a short, snappy joke next time they’re doing the rounds in the clubhouse bar? One of these great golf jokes will always raise a smile…
20 Of The Best Golf Jokes
Let’s start with what we consider the best of our 20 great golf jokes…
Mark of respect
Two golfers are ready to play on the 11th tee as a funeral cortege passes by. The first player stops, doffs his cap, and bows his head as the cortege passes.
“That was a really nice thing to do,” the second golfer says. “It’s good to see there is still some respect in the world.”
“Well, it’s only right,” the first golfer replies. “I was married to her for 35 years.”
World’s worst
A golfer was having a terrible round – 20-over par for the front nine with scores of balls lost in water or rough. When his caddie then coughed as he steadied himself over a 12-inch putt on the 10th, he lost it.
“You’ve got to be the worst caddie in the world!” he yelled.
“I doubt it,” replied the caddie, dead-pan. “That would be too much of a coincidence.”
A word of advice
If you drink, don’t drive. And don’t even putt.
Drowning your sorrows
After a particularly poor round, a golfer spotted a lake as he walked despondently up the 18th.
He looked at his caddie and said, “I’ve played so badly all day, I think I’m going to drown myself in that lake.”
The caddie, quick as a flash, replied, “I’m not sure you could keep your head down that long.”
The fisherman
What is the difference between a golfer and a fisherman?
When a golfer lies, he doesn’t have to bring anything home to prove it.
The right club?
A hacker was playing so badly that his caddie was getting increasingly exasperated.
On the 11th, his ball lay about 160 yards from the green and as he eyed up the shot, he asked his caddie, “Do you think I can get there with a 4-iron?”
“Eventually,” replied the caddie, wearily.
Priorities
A fourball watched, intrigued, as a lone player played up short of the green they were on. As they teed off on the next they noticed him quickly chip on and putt out, before running up to their tee.
Sensing their bewilderment, he said, “Sorry, do you mind if I play through – I’ve just heard that my wife has had a terrible accident and may not make it!”
Mexico
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
‘How was he killed?’ asked one detective.
‘With a golf gun,’ the other detective replied.
‘A golf gun? What’s a golf gun?’
‘I don’t know, but it sure made a hole in Juan.’
The married couple
As a couple approaches the altar, the groom tells his wife-to-be, “Honey, I’ve got something to confess: I’m a golf nut, and every chance I get, I’ll be playing golf!”
“Since we’re being honest,” replies the bride, “I have to tell you that I’m a hooker.”
The groom replies, “That’s okay, honey. You just need to learn to keep your head down and your left arm straight.”
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Chicken run
A golfer sliced a ball into a field of chickens, striking one of the hens and killing it instantly. He was understandably upset, and sought out the farmer. “I’m sorry,” he said, “my terrible tee-shot hit one of your hens and killed it. Can I replace the hen?”
“I don’t know about that,” replied the farmer, mulling it over. “How many eggs a day do you lay?”
Eggs..?
Golf balls are like eggs.
They’re white.
Sold by the dozen.
And a week later you have to buy some more.
Not what you think
Golfer to caddie: “Why do you keep looking at your watch? I find it very distracting.”
Caddie: “It’s not a watch, sir – it’s a compass.”
Slow play
The problem with slow groups is that they are always in front of you, and the fast groups are always behind you.
Not now, Ken, we’re supposed to be paying attention…
Getting the right result
“You’re late on the tee, John.”
“Yes, well being a Sunday, I had to toss a coin to see if I should go to church or go and play golf.”
“Okay, but why are you so late?”
“I had to toss it 15 times!”
Coach, what is wrong with my game?
One day a player asked his coach: “What is going wrong with my game?”
“You’re standing too close to the ball after you’ve hit it.”
The last laugh
An argumentative drunk had been looking for a fight all afternoon in the club bar after losing his match, finally aiming a punch at the man next to him. The man ducked and the drunk, losing balance, fell off his stool on to the floor. By the time he’d dusted himself down and picked himself up, his opponent had departed.
“Not much of a fighter, was he?” he complained to the barman.
“Not much of a driver either, sir,” said the barman, gazing out of the window. “He’s just driven over your clubs.”
Greens OK?
A guy on vacation finishes his round, goes into the clubhouse. The head pro says, “Did you have a good time out there?”
The man replied “Fabulous, thank you.”
“You’re welcome,” said the pro. “How did you find the greens?”
Said the man: “Easy. I just walked to the end of the fairways and there they were!”
Scratch handicap
“Do you play off scratch?” said one player.
The other replied: “I sure am. Every time I hit the ball I scratch my head and wonder where it went.”
Lightbulb
How many golfers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Fore.
And finally, a classic…
Why do golfers always carry a spare pair of trousers with them?
In case they get a hole in one.
I thank you…
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