DAN MUGFORD takes a deep breath as he looks across Plymouth Harbour and relives his darkest secrets.
In July the fly-half attempted suicide. Twice.
Today, the 25-year-old can talk about how his Premiership dream turned into a nightmare after Sale Sharks rejected the chance to take up the second year of his contract.
Mugford was already gripped by depression and the news made him spiral deeper into the depths of the mental illness.
He could see no way out.
But now the former Exeter academy star is fighting his demons head on.
Mugford said: “Talking about attempting to commit suicide doesn’t scare me now.
“I’m in a strong enough place now where I couldn’t even think of something like that and it frustrates me a bit that I got there.
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“But these things happen and when you get in that strong place again you realise it doesn’t have to be like that. It’s me and I’m not hiding from it.
“I’m very grateful for what I do have. I’m enjoying my life and coping much better now.
“A policeman said to me after one suicide attempt that it was a very permanent solution to a temporary problem.
“They were spur-of-the-moment actions. I didn’t want my life to be as it was so I wanted to get rid of it.
“But when I stopped and talked, I realised what I had around me. I realised I didn’t want to do it.
“The Rugby Players Association offered me everything I needed and made that time a lot easier.
“And luckily I have incredible family, friends and an amazing ex-girlfriend who helped me so much. Without them, and especially my ex, Alice, I wouldn’t like to think where I would be.”
Rewind 12 months and Mugford could not have been on more of a high after being plucked from the second tier to play alongside Lions great Mike Phillips in the big time.
He was straight in at the deep end with Sharks, kicking 14 points on his home debut to beat Harlequins.
Life had never been so good.
He recalled: “It was a fairytale start. Then out of nowhere I was cast aside and I struggled to get back into the team.
“I had gone from an amazing high to not making the squad.
“It was just after Christmas where it really started to get to me. I felt like I had blown my chance.
“I didn’t know why I wasn’t playing, yet I was told I was doing well. It became a downward spiral — and then I was told that the club wouldn’t be taking up the option to keep me.
“When the season finished, I moved home and eventually I gave my girlfriend no choice but to leave me — and that is when my world came crashing down.”
Mugford had already started to get help but the pressures of trying to fulfil his dream at the same time as dealing with depression took its toll.
When things at home and in training dipped, a call from England World Cup legend Jonny Wilkinson — another No 10 who struggled with mental-health issues — lifted him.
Mugford said: “Jonny gave me some really good advice, he was incredible.
“He explained some of the things he went through. He taught me not to doubt myself and to live in the moment.
“The conversation I had on the phone with him that day changed my mind.
“Speaking to him helped me come out of it and I was in a better place and I felt that my performances in training went up another level and I thought they had to put me in the team.
“When I was told I wouldn’t be kept on at Sale — that is when it hit. I believed I could do it, but when other people thought I wasn’t good enough, that really got to me.
“Some people might have been strong enough, but I had low self-worth and it made being let go very personal.
“It became a very dark place. I would go home from training and do nothing.
“All I was thinking about was playing that one game to get me a contract somewhere. I turned up to training and had to act and pretend everything was OK.
“But I was exhausted. I couldn’t switch off as I had to find a way to get into the side and I was mentally drained.
“There were sleepless nights, but most of the time I was so tired I crashed out. Sleeping was a safe place.
“I knew if I could sleep for a minute, everything would go away. It was an escape rather than being relaxing.”
Last Saturday, Mugford scored 11 points for Plymouth Albion as they beat Bishop’s Stortford 36-17 to go fourth in National League One.
Mugford still dreams of a top-flight career but will not let that ambition rule his life.
He said: “I had moulded my life around playing in the Premiership and making that dream happen.
“To play with legends such as Mike Phillips and Peter Stringer was huge for me. But I put too much into it and let it define me.
“I want to play in the Premiership again, but right now I'm living in the moment.”
As well as training daily, Mugford sees a therapist during the week as he tackles his depression head on.
He added: “I’m doing well at therapy and feel a lot stronger.
“I did feel very alone. I didn’t want to hurt people or have them laughing at me by telling them things.
“But if we can get a better understanding on mental-health issues and depression then we can deal with them better and collectively help people.”
Mugford is no longer suffering in silence even though there are still bad days.
But after making a noise in the Premiership the talented fly-half is determined to rise through the rugby ranks again.
- If you need support for your mental health or are concerned about a friend or family member, contact Mind on 0300 123 3393 or The Samaritans on 116 123.
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