IN a perfect world the FA would appoint the perfect man.
The perfect coach. The perfect politician . . . the perfect man for the cameras.
A polished individual without a whiff of scandal about them.
It is a man that does not exist.
In the wake of the Sam Allardyce affair, the FA have raised the bar so high that external English candidates will run a mile from the job.
It has been put out of reach for mere mortals.
One slip-up — however grave, however embarrassing, however silly — and you will be out on your ear.
Nobody can operate under these intolerable conditions.
Take Alan Pardew. He does not stand a chance of landing this coveted job when the standards have been set so high.
Pardew, closing in on 800 games as a manager, served a seven-game touchline ban and was fined £100,000 for nutting Hull’s David Meyler two years ago.
Harry Redknapp, out of work since leaving QPR last year, spent a week in court defending charges of tax invasion in 2012.
He was acquitted, but the FA do not forget.
Allardyce blew it when he was dazzled by the prospect of earning £400,000 on the side — “a keynote speaker, that’s what I am” — for a fictitious Far East firm.
Glenn Hoddle? We do not even need to go there.
Rio Ferdinand, who has shown ambitions to be involved with England in the past, certainly won the trophies during a stellar playing career.
Under the strict conditions imposed on England managers, it is impossible to see how Ferdinand would fit into the current set-up.
He was banned for eight months for missing a drug test and consequently was ruled out of Euro 2004.
He has received encouragement of late, with Sir Alex Ferguson telling him that he has the qualities needed to succeed in management.
That is all well and good on the coaching pitches, but the FA are demanding exacting standards.
They are standards that very few, if any, can meet.
Of the alternatives, the squeaky-clean types the FA are after, they would not arrive for interview with a record of winning trophies.
Eddie Howe and Sean Dyche are two young managers, much-admired in the game. But they do not have a track record of success at the highest level.
The FA have never been further away from the maxim that results keep England managers in their jobs.
Allardyce has been removed just one game into a two-year contract.
He will now never fulfil his dream of leading out the England side at Wembley for an international.
His demise has ramped up the pressure on FA director of development Dan Ashworth and chief executive Martin Glenn.
It was only a couple of months ago that Ashworth accepted his job was on the line if Allardyce did not work out.
Nobody could predict what would happen next.
Still, it has dropped on their toes.
This afternoon Glenn will outline his vision for the future and make some empty promises about England’s future.
They want a certain type on the touchline. For that reason Ashworth wants the next manager to be an internal appointment.
A man who fits the FA’s corporate image.
A man they have moulded over the years to be one of their own.
A man called Gareth Southgate.
Bungs are going global
TOP-LEVEL bungs are far more sophisticated than the white envelope full of £5,000 “in readies” that was filmed being handed to Barnsley assistant manager Tommy Wright.
The high life is played out via tax-free bank accounts in Switzerland, Monaco, Dubai, Panama or British Virgin Islands.
Since transfer fees are not an exact science, the accepted practice in bung culture is to convince the buying club to pay way over the odds for the player they are trying to sign.
With most owners relying on their scouting teams, managers and agents for advice — along with pressure from the fans to make signings — spending big is nothing new.
Once the deal is in place it can trigger a kick-back to the agent for getting a premium from cash-rich Premier League clubs.
When the agent involved in the sharp practice is paid out by the selling club, he then deposits a share in an offshore, tax-free bank account for the rogue club employee.
Getting hold of the cash is never a problem because bank cards and credit cards issued in a tax-free country can take care of most purchases without anyone batting an eyelid.
Sadly, English football has kept its eyes closed for too long.
Clan Utd
MANCHESTER UNITED’S big pow-wow with the club’s international scouts cost them a few quid this week.
United forked out to fly 50 scouts to England then spent £5,000 buying them lunch at trendy Cheshire restaurant Piccolino before they got down to business.
Although Jose Mourinho was not at the lunch, he passed a message on to make it clear United’s worldwide talent ID operation must improve.
SIR ALEX FERGUSON is the king when it comes to key-note speaking. The former Manchester United manager charges £100,000 a pop for corporate events.
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Dim view
ONE of West Ham’s biggest issues is Dimitri Payet sulking because he is being played out wide.
Payet, who gave up along with the rest of the team during the shambolic 3-0 home defeat against Southampton last Sunday, wants boss Slaven Bilic to play him in the No 10 role.
The West Ham winger has been playing out on the left since returning from injury, but he has been badgering Bilic to play him through the middle.
In black ‘n white
SAM ALLARDYCE’S conduct means the FA must protect themselves in future by inserting a clause in the manager’s contract which prevents them undertaking any commercial work.
Allardyce’s £3million-a-year salary, which is up there with many FTSE100 chief executives, should be more than enough to get by on without any external work.
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