GARETH SOUTHGATE will try to persuade five FA kingmakers today that he deserves to be named as England’s next full-time boss.
After four matches in charge, the interim manager faces FA chairman Greg Clarke, FA chief executive Martin Glenn, FA technical director Dan Ashworth, ex-Leeds manager Howard Wilkinson and former Chelsea defender Graeme Le Saux.
GARETH SOUTHGATE enters the boardroom and faces the panel.
GLENN: Right Gareth, I am sure you know the rest of the panel alongside me. FA chairman Greg Clarke…
SOUTHGATE: Hello Greg.
GLENN: Technical director Dan Ashworth.
SOUTHGATE: Dan.
GLENN: Graeme Le Saux.
SOUTHGATE: Graeme.
LE SAUX: Hello Gaz, how’s the family?
GLENN: Yes, yes, enough of the pleasantries.
LE SAUX: Sorry.
GLENN: Never mind. Ahem. And, of course, Howard Wilkinson…
SOUTHGATE: Howard.
WILKINSON: Zzzzzz.
GLENN: HOWARD!
WILKINSON: Huh, what what, Lucas, lump it long . . . where am I? Oh sorry, I must have dozed off for a minute there . . .
GLENN: Never mind, let’s get proceedings underway, shall we? Gareth can you begin by telling us, why you want the job?
SOUTHGATE: Because nobody else does.
CLARKE: Ha ha, no let me put it a different way: What attracts you to the position?
SOUTHGATE: That’s easy — the pay, the hours, the holidays, the travel and, most importantly, I probably cannot do worse than any other of my recent predecessors.
GLENN: Hmm, not sure about that after the 0-0 in Slovenia.
SOUTHGATE: England are still top of our qualifying group and I did not lose any of my four matches as interim boss.
GLENN: Yes but one of those matches was against a nation that hardly ever wins a match.
SOUTHGATE: Yeah but we still had to beat Malta.
GLENN: I’m not talking about them, I mean Scotland.
CLARKE: What do you think Graeme?
LE SAUX: It’s an absolute outrage that Donald Trump will be the next US President?
GLENN: No Graeme, wrong panel, this is not The Pledge on Sky.
SOUTHGATE: What is that?
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CLARKE: Think of the tiny audience who used to tune in for your England Under-21s matches, half it once, half it again and you have the viewing figures for the panel show Graeme appears on.
SOUTHGATE: Ah right. He’s always tried to be a champion of left-wing issues, even when I played with him. Shame he never put as much effort into defending a set- piece as he did a liberal viewpoint.
LE SAUX: Yes, yes, yes, enough of that. Can I ask you Gareth, do you have what it actually takes to lead England to glory because you have never actually won anything?
SOUTHGATE: And you have?
LE SAUX: Yes actually. I was crowned The Price Is Right champion on Vernon Kay’s Gameshow Marathon back in 2007. I also won Bullseye.
GLENN: Er, right. Let’s move on, shall we. Now Gare . . .
LE SAUX: Sorry chaps, I have got to dash as my flight back home to Switzerland leaves in two hours.
The interview resumes…
GLENN: Gareth, where do you stand on penalties?
SOUTHGATE: At the back of the queue normally after what happened at Euro 96?
GLENN: No, I mean do you encourage players practising them?
SOUTHGATE: Yes, of course.
CLARKE: And what advice do you give after your own experience?
SOUTHGATE: I say hit the ball as hard as you can. And if you do miss, make sure you give Pizza Hut’s advertising team a call.
GLENN: Does 1996 remain your biggest regret?
SOUTHGATE: Yes it does. I later found out Pizzaland were willing to pay me twice as much.
GLENN: Quite. Bringing things forward to the present day, my fellow panel members and I are concerned about the events involving Wayne Rooney after the Scotland win. What is your view?
SOUTHGATE: I did not give him permission to attend that wedding. I am outraged by his behaviour . . .
GLENN: No, no, no . . . we are not bothered about him going on the lash. What we are more upset by is his statement saying his international career is not over. Why hasn’t the ghastly fellow got the message yet?
SOUTHGATE: I’ve tried Martin, but it is going to take a bit more work. He might be way past his best, but he is still popular with our plastic fans. Remember what happened when Glenn Hoddle dumped Gazza? I have seen the FA’s latest accounts and I don’t think we could afford a bill to repair and redecorate another hotel room.
GLENN: Talking of Hoddle, what are your views of the disabled?
SOUTHGATE: I think Jack Wilshere is having a fine season at Bournemouth.
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