Captaincy is among the biggest red herrings in football: all players are supposed to set examples with their performances and leaders lead with or without an armband. And yet the England captaincy matters simply because a lot of people think it matters. Steven Gerrard was upset when it was taken off him by a caretaker manager, Stuart Pearce, and David Beckham was uplifted when it was given to him by a caretaker manager, Peter Taylor. The country’s latest caretaker manager, Gareth Southgate, should have de-fetishised the armband by announcing England do not need a captain other than for administrative purposes – to do the coin toss, basically – and, therefore, that the identity of the skipper for the matches against Malta, Slovenia and all opponents during his reign would be decided two seconds before each match by a dressing-room raffle. Paul Doyle
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