Back of the Net's definitely serious Africa Cup of Nations 2017 preview

The Africa Cup of Nations is the premier football contest for African countries,held every year, or two years, or three years inconveniently in the middle of theEuropean winter, which many African nations persist in calling summer. The tournament was founded in 1957 when only nine independent states existedin Africa, six of whom refused to take part. The first contest was won incontroversial circumstances by Belgium, under the rule that a European teamwould receive a bye to the final and the pick of their opponents’ players. Afterwidespread criticism, half of this rule was rescinded. Widespread dissatisfaction with a three-team tournament accelerated the processof decolonisation, and saw the addition of a fourth team in 1962. Since then, thetournament has grown to be large and important enough that the internationalpress now provides exhaustive coverage of how mid-ranking English sides may bea body light in midfield for a few matches. Gabon 2017 The Gabonese Football Federation stepped in to accommodate the 2017 Africa Cup of Nations after Libya selfishly descended into civil war, showing wilfuldisregard for their role as host nation. Officials in Gabon will be hoping thetournament can put their country on the map, possibly at the expense of Cameroonor Equatorial Guinea. Gabon’s preparations for the tournament have been blighted by visa processingissues, infrastructure problems and an incipient civil war of their own, which willgrudgingly be given token coverage by football journalists irked at having to dosome actual research rather than just farting out another 600 words about MesutOzil’s work ethic. Gabon’s political crisis means that most of Group B’s fixtures have been moved to‘Franceville’, a fictional city clearly hastily created by organisers as the tournamentapproached. AFCON and the Premier League This year, 23 Premier League players will have the bare-faced cheek to take part inthe AFCON, to the chagrin of their managers, many of whom have just learned ofthe tournament’s existence for the very first time and suspect it to be a deliberateconspiracy to undermine their club’s chances. Fans will therefore tune in expectingto see the likes of Wilfried Zaha, Riyad Mahrez and Nordin Amrabat do the decentthing and ensure their nations are eliminated as swiftly as possible so they can getback to fighting for that coveted 11th place. Most games will be scheduled during the middle of the night at the behest of UKbroadcasters, who would rather use primetime slots to show My Cat’s Fatter ThanYour Catand a dark, sexy reboot of Bergerac. But determined viewers can lookforward to a feast of clichés and vaguely racist assumptions about naivety,corruption and goalkeeping incompetence, traits that everyone knows are uniqueto African football. Pay disputes As is traditional at the AFCON, several nations’ football associations have beenaccused of planning to withhold player bonuses and reinvest them instead inuntraceable Swiss bank accounts. In past tournaments these stand-offs have threatened to derail matches, with theIvory Coast famously refusing to take a shot on target until players were paid in2013. This time around Zimbabwean players haven’t received their due fee buttheir Federation has agreed to pay the players per minute on the field by thrustingbundles of notes at them from the sideline. Please note: This is all one big joke. Obviously. More Back of the Net • New features on FourFourTwo.com